"Moo Hah Hah, Evil Cow!" -Evil Cow
Mad Scientist/ Businnessman
Evil Cow's real name is Elizabeth. He suffered through a comically exaggerated neglectful, even abusive, claimed terrible childhood that left him scarred for the rest of his life. His parents were mentally abusive and ignored him, briefly disowned him, forced him to wear dresses or act as a lawn gnome, and frequently restricted him from doing even the smallest things. He also had to deal with many bullies, had no real friends, except for a cowbell with a face painted on it, had issues with his body (a high squeaky voice ), and generally failed embarrassingly at nearly everything he attempted.His record in romance was equally dismal and almost always ended up with him being broken-hearted.
Birth and ChildhoodEdit
When Evil Cow, or Elizabeth, was born, he was sold to a couple who returned him after getting a better deal for a telekinetic girl named Matilda who later became an actress and starred in a movie. He was never told what a birthday was so he wouldn't need to have a party.
Once he was disowned and tried to have rich people adopt him. He later tried poor people, a pack of rabid squirrels, a bipolar sociopath and a Frenchman. He then forced a boulder to be his parent only to have it crush him and roll away. He raised himself for 1 year, 3 weeks, 6 days, 14 hours, 37 minutes and 17 seconds (Yes, he counted!) until being adopted by a traveling circus that needed his talents that he wasn't aware of.
He eventually became more "prettyful" (according to the the sword-swallower) and had to become the statue man that didn't move throughout the entire show. The new talent known as "Freakshow, the sociopath" became a new circus favorite. Apparently, this was the same on that didn't adopt him. He ran away and was (now in his teens), adopted by an albino window-washer that unknowingly signed papers making him the legal guardian, but never even found out, his signature only needed so he wouldn't be put in the orphanage where he would be bullied and deprived of high fructose corn-syrup. He was eventually discovered and put in the orphanage for1 day before becoming an adult. This one day resulted in a new bony apppearance due to deprivation of the high fructose corn-syrup.
Harvard accepted him to get good publicity, to findout that he actually knew things and wouldn't need to be expelled. He apparently learned things from meeting with nerds behind the cafeteria and discussing education. He got a business degree and later went to sell brocolli near the free food stand in New York and selling poems he copied from books for which he was shockingly underpaid. He went into the art business only to have his competion throw it in manure costing him $100,000,000 and a girl he liked.
He was then offered a scholarship for Dr. Evil's Evil Academy of Evil. In Evil 101, Dr. Wicked taught him about mad science and stuff. He flunked due to a teacher that didn't like him for no good reason at all, which she admitted.
Emperor of BoslandEdit
At one point of his life, he went to the Aboooh Desert where he discovered Cactus Juice. He at some point after this gave the idea to the natives and then they all faded out of existence. He conquered the other tribes and began an empire led by an army of robot llamas. Elizabeth's oppressive reign along with the laws it governed with drove the world into a dystopia. He forced his citizens to live strictly limited lifestyles. Along with that he had them erect large statues of him over burned-down cities and bow down to them as a sign of woship towards him.
He later discovered this was all a hallucination he had in a two-year sleep caused by the cactus juice.
The natives who healed him didn't like his dreams so they sold him as a normal cow for farm-raising. Their he met a young-calf that reminded him of himself and made him his lab assistant. He was called "Wicked Calf". He later continued to make many failed attempts at conquering the farm. This has continued to this day. He recently became a member of B.G.A.T.F.D. (Bad Guys All Together For Death!).
Evil Cow is a large, slightly overweight cow. He has black and white spots like your stereotypical cow. His horns are "EVILE!!".
In his science lab, he wears a fairly stained lab coat and a name tag that says "HELLO, MY NAME IS EVIL COW!!". He also wears a belt buckle with no purpose whatsoever. He sometimes flaunts one of those "metal circle things" that doctors wear on their heads. He always has a demonic pitchfork with him.
- '"Moo Hah Hah, Evil Cow!"
- "As they say in Australia, Sihonara!"
- "When in Rome, do as the Chicagoans do!!"
- He has to wear a grind guard and a retainer.
- He always lost his left shoe, so he stopped wearing shoes.
- He's lactose intolerant, ironic since he makes milk.
- He can't swim.
- He plays some virtual game.
- He hangs with a 50's gang who snap their fingers.
- He sleeps with "Mr. Snuggles the Bear" (Mr.- Sir- Dr.- Proffessor Snuggles the Bear to you).
- He fake-hates golf but secretly loves it.
- He talks to himself.
- Visigoths are cool to him.
- He is banned from 26 states an Puerto Rico, and Moldova because he thinks it sounds funny and they needed and excuse to get rid of him.
- He needs training wheels.